My Musings on custody matters

I do a lot of custody cases where the parties are not married, and these can be the most difficult cases.  With a divorce, the parties loved each other at one time, have developed a relationship, although it is obviously not healthy at the time of the divorce, but they are used to the idea of working as a partner with that particular person.  The partnership may not be healthy, but the dynamics of a partnership are present.

In juvenile custody matters, the parties are typically not married, and likely had very little if any relationship to work on.  Usually they were dating and they were boyfriend and girlfriend, but they were just having fun, not worrying about paying bills together, saving money together, planning a future together.

And then a baby comes along.

Now you have two independent people who have to carve out not only a relationship, but an unexpected relationships that is guaranteed to last at least 18 years, whether they can stand each other or not.

And this is where the ability to compromise becomes essential.

Of course, it is not appropriate for one parent to "compromise" by giving in to all of the demands of the other party, but it is important for the parties to figure out how to work together.

But there are so many barriers to this.  For one thing, one or both of the parties may feel abandoned or ignored by the other party, or they just may feel embarrassed about the obvious - that they had a sexual relationship with that person and birth control failed or was not used.

Both parties are not used to the idea of partnering with another person to make important life changing decisions.  Until the baby came along, they were deciding where to go to dinner or where to spend a vacation together.  They were not trying to figure out how to clothe, feed and educate a child.

The new parents are also not used to the idea of deferring gratification for the benefit of another.  Usually these parents are young and they are still being told that the future is whatever they want to make of it, that they have opportunities, that the world is their oyster.

These barriers can also serve as an impetus to change and grow.  The future is still whatever you want to make of it, you just have to remember that your child needs to be part of that future.  You can still reach out for your dreams, as long as your other hand is holding your child's hand tightly.  The world is still your oyster, you just have to share it with your child.  AND you have to keep the other parent involved as well with regard to issues involving your child.

This may not sound much like legal information, but these issues need to be addressed early on in an custody or paternity case, because the way we decide to handle this matter will impact everything about the child.

If the parents can figure out how to make shared parenting work, for example, then they are both assured of having full involvement in the raising of that child.  If both parents have their own ideas of how the child should be raised and cannot reach a middle ground, there is a risk that they will always be competing and might even risk alienating the child from one or both of them.

Often a new parent will tell me all of their dreams for their child, and I am happy that they have dreams for their child, but I also know that the child is going to reach an age where the child is going to start having his or her own dreams, and as a parent we have to learn to nurture those dreams and let our child know that the future is whatever he or she makes of it and the world is his or her oyster.  I usually don't say anything, though, because I think the new parent sitting in front of me will probably have to find that out on his or her own, much as I had to do.

In the meantime, legally, we have to make decisions, such as custody, visitation or shared parenting, that will have a long lasting impact on the relationship between these three people at a time where the parents are usually not ready and the child is a complete unknown.  For example, it breaks my heart to have to remind the parents of an infant that we need have flexibility in a shared parenting plan because we do not know if the child will actually be able to attend a particular school that the parent wants guaranteed.  Maybe that school won't work because a parent has to move outside of the school's district or the child won't be able to cut it or their might be a special need that the school cannot address.  When you have an infant, you look at these comments as negative.  Once you have raised a child, you understand that these challenges are all part of the joy of raising a child and you revel in the joy that you were able to guide your child through that difficult time so that your child was able to overcome those obstacles and strike out on his or her own.

And this probably explains why I love doing this work.  Even when the parents are fighting, I know that this is just part of the process that can result in a win-win situation for the child.  My goal is to help the client navigate to a position where the child is protected and my client-parent feels that he or she has a voice in making decisions for the child and in raising the child.  This is usually a struggle, and sometimes is more of a struggle than other times, but it is a noble goal and I am happy that so many clients agree to let me be part of the mechanism that helps them get there.

Anyway, enough for musing.  Back to work.

Ohio Putative Father Registry

http://jfs.ohio.gov/pfr/

There it is.  Here it is again:  http://jfs.ohio.gov/pfr   This is the website that can give you information on how to register as a putative father.  And why should you do this?  If you are a man, and you know that someone is pregnant with your child (or at least suspect that you are the father), you need to register.  And you need to do it right away.  If you are registered before 30 days after the birth of the child, you will be notified if the mother attempts to have the child adopted.  Adoption is a form of permanently terminating the father's rights to that child.  In addition to registering, you must provide support to the mother and child in order for your consent to be required.  There are many other legal steps that need to be followed.  Therefore, if you are not married to the mother you might want to consult with a lawyer to make sure that you are following the legal steps necessary so that the child cannot be adopted without notice to you or without your consent.  There is a very limited window of opportunity, and I would urge anyone in this situation to register.  If you ultimately agree with the adoption (after you meet the prospective parents, for example), then you can always consent.  But if you don't register, you may never know.  So, if you know someone is pregnant with your child, register, and seek the advice of counsel so that you take all steps necessary to protect your future relationship with that child.

Books on Divorce, Even Some for the Kids!

Clients are always interested in finding out more and ask me to recommend books to them. I think that it is the uncertainty of the divorce outcome that makes them thirst for more knowledge in order to try to make the outcome more predictable. Unfortunately, the only way to have a predictable outcome is for the parties to come to agreement on all of the terms of the divorce. In that regard, education is very helpful. These are some books that clients have read and told me they would recommend to others, so I thought I would share them here. As usual, this is not a substitute for legal advice in your particular situation. For that, you need to consult with a family law lawyer.

What Every Woman Should Know About Divorce and Custody, by Gayle Rosenwalk Smith, J.D. and Sally Abrahams (Pub: Perigee) - Men should read this too! Has good explanations of situations (don't take out the bad news on your lawyer, use the energy to gather information needed to fight or your lawyer may deviate from the script because, if she is good, she will be able to read the courtroom). Very practical advice that will help you communicate better with your lawyer and maybe even help reduce your fees. Also gives guidance on whether you should represent yourself and how to hire a lawyer.

What About The Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee (Pub: Hyperion) Gives general information, but also breaks it down by age. Talks about resolutions to various issues, even gives help regarding stepparents and blending families after the divorce. Can help you flesh out issues involving your children which may help lead you to working things out with the other parent in the best interests of the child. (Hint: This can help you both avoid protracted litigation.)

Divorce For Dummies by John Ventura and Mary Reed (Pub: For Dummies) Yes, it is just like the Volkswagen for Dummies book I used in Law School to save money on my oil changes (what a mess I made, though). This book in particular was highly recommended to me by a client who brought it to every appointment and court hearing and regularly would way to me, "Wow, that's just what they said in this book!" I have not read this book but in general it has received good reviews, including good customer reviews. Does not have specific state by state requirements, but in the state I practice, you would almost need county by county information!

There are also some books for the children to help explain divorce to them. Some of my favorites are:

It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce by Vicki Lansky

Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown (the same author of the Arthur series)

Two Homes by Claire Masurel and Kady MacDonald Denton, Illustrator

I Don't Want to Talk About It byJeanie Franz Ransom and Kathryn Kunz Finney, Illustrator

There are many others out there that probably deserve to be mentioned, but this is all the time I have for now. Back to lawyering!