Taking your children through the divorce process

No, I don't mean divorcing your children, although I am sure that sometimes that is tempting.

But it is a challenge to get a divorce, deal with the change in your family set-up, and dealing with the changes that the children are going through.

I came across this really good advice, and thought I should share it with you:
http://movingpastdivorce.com/2013/07/how-to-prevent-scarring-your-kids-during-and-after-divorce/

I especially like the advice about making sure the children understand that they are not to be blamed for the divorce.

The only thing I would add is that you need to reassure the children that you both still love them and that you will both make sure that they are cared for.  Don't make specific promises, because it is unlikely that you will be able to deliver on them.  Don't promise that they will stay in the house, or school district, or that visitation will be set up a certain way.  Even if you and your spouse do not see eye to eye, you can certainly tell them that you both love them and that you will make sure they are cared for.  That is all they need to know.

I always tell parents that when children ask about the divorce, they just want to know the general concepts.  Yes, we are getting a divorce.  Yes, there will be changes, but we both love you and you will be taken care of.  Other than that, they probably do not really want to know if someone had an affair or what the current financial picture is.  If they are asking that, someone may have put them up to that.  I always tell parents to respond by saying that those are adult issues and that you and your spouse (or in post-decree cases, former spouse) will be taking care of those matters.  If you are arguing, you can admit that you do not agree on everything, but do not include the details of the argument.  Overall, most parents report to me that the children are satisfied with this answer.  If not, you might want to consider counseling, since there is a concern that the child or children are being too involved in this process.

This is probably one of the most difficult issues with respect to divorce, followed by dealing with the financial fallout.  Hopefully this article is helpful.

Being flexible

How do some parents end up in court with a holy war, while others just drop in to finalize paperwork and then get on with there lives?  There are probably a fair number of cases that deserve to be fought out, either because one parent or the other has taken a truly untenable position.  However, there are so many cases that are in Court and really shouldn't be.  My observation is that this comes down most frequently to flexibility.  And by flexibility, I am not referring to being flexible about a schedule.  I am referring to thinking in a flexible way.  For example, it is Friday at 6:00 and you are waiting for the other parent to pick up the kids.  You have, appropriately, made other plans for 6:30, so you are anxious because there is no other parent in sight at this point.  When the other parent shows up at 6:15, you are upset, maybe even angry, because you did not get a call and you are going to be late.  This is a big deal, and how come the other parent doesn't get it.  As any attorney will tell you, there is always another side to the story.  Maybe the delay was caused by work, a sick spouse, a jealous spouse, a family situation, or just forgetting the time.  Maybe a call wasn't made because it was known that the reaction would only be hostile, and why put up with that on the phone as well as in person.  That's two times.  Just go for the one big blow up.

In this case, both parents are more concerned about their own personal situations, and not the other party.  How to solve this?  Parents just have to be flexible in their thinking.  Give the other person a chance.  Yes, it is rude to not call, and, yes, you should explain to the other parent that not calling is upsetting, but do so calmly.  Yes, the anger builds up when there is no communication, but maybe you need to own up to the problem, especially if you are chronically late, and suggest a schedule that works.

The problem is that people get stuck in a relationship and do not understand that things have and will change.  Once you are no longer together as a couple, you will have many forces pulling on you that really make things difficult.  Taking a little time to understand that this is happening to the other party, too, will go a long way.  One of you has probably been the one to be primarily responsible for the children.  There is a learning curve.  But let me ask you this.  If you child was late and did not call, would you be angry or would you be worried?  Why? Why a different reaction?  Probably because you care about your child.  If you child were chronically late, would you just yell and him or her every time, or would you try to get to the root of the problem.

And finally, what do you think your children are observing?  They aren't watching a drama play out and then rooting for the good guy, which you probably presume is you.  They are looking at both of you and saying, oh, so that's how adults communicate with each other when they are mad at each other.  You should overhear some of the things that children say about parents who are in conflict constantly. Most of them do not understand why there is conflict, nor do they want to.  And they do not want to take sides.  They just want peace.  Give them peace.  Be flexible.  Try to approach each problem with a willingness to understand and resolve the problem.  Utilize a counselor if that will help.  Or a mediator.  Maybe this could lead to fewer court cases!  Or at least fewer protracted court cases!  Bad for lawyers! But good for kids!

What are some of your thoughts or experiences with this?