Talking to the other parent, Part II

Okay, I realize that I have strongly encouraged parents to talk to each other about their children.  I know that good co-parenting happens when there is open communication.

However, the other day I witnessed a very sad situation.

We were out to eat at an Arby's after watching our Hartley Hawks win the semifinals for the State Championship in volleyball.  We were elated but tired, wanted a quick meal and then planned to head home.  After placing our order, we headed to a booth away from the crowd.  When I sat down, I noticed a young man, about 13 years old, very tall and slim, sitting next to his dad in another booth.  He was looking longingly at his father, who was on the cell phone having a very intense conversation.  It was not angry or hostile, just intense.  It seemed to involve a scheduling issue.  Eventually it became clear that he was on the phone with the child's mother, discussing scheduling issues for the next week.  It was the usual scheduling things that most parents deal with when you have teenagers who are very involved in activities but can't drive yet.  I know, from listening to his side of the conversation, that the son had to be picked up from school at a different time every day and these two parents were trying to juggle a somewhat difficult schedule.  Okay, hurray!  They were actually communicating and figuring things out.  And then little things, little angry things, got sprinkled into the conversation.  He said, "I can't just take off from work like that," and "she works full-time, too," and "next time, try to give me more notice."  Okay, these are legitimate concerns.  After nearly 30 minutes on the phone, he flipped the phone shut and turned to his son to say, "We have to go.  I have to have you home in a half hour."  Ah, ha!  My suspicions were confirmed.  This was that famous mid-week three hour visitation in the flesh!  And then I thought, how sad this is.  Yes, the parents are talking.  Yes, they seem to be working things out.  But this was the son's time to talk to his dad, not to listen to his parents talking about his schedule.  Fortunately the slight show of anger did not escalate (probably because the son was sitting right there) but it was clear that it could.  So, why did they have to have this conversation right now?  Why not drop off the son, and then call after mom has had time to talk to him a little bit and send him off to bed?  I don't know who initiated the call, but if it was the mom, shame on her for imposing on her son's time to visit with his father.  If it was the dad, shame on him for wasting his precious time with his son on this conversation.  Was the conversation urgent?  Of course it was, but not so urgent that it couldn't be handled later in the evening.

And maybe this is the problem with cell phones.  Everyone is so accessible, it is ridiculous.  You just push a button on your phone, and you are able to rouse up a friend instantly. Why wait until later to find out something when you can call right now?  And people feel so compelled to answer the phone when it rings.  Very few people are able to ignore a call.  I am sure that everyone has experienced having someone tell you to hold that thought while they respond to the phone.  Even if they decide to not respond, it is still an annoying distraction.

So, yes, please talk to the other parent.  But when you are having a special time with your son (or parent or sibling or friend) seriously consider turning the phone off so that it does not distract you and you are not distracted by the compulsion to call someone.  If your child brings up something that raises some questions for you, and you want to talk to the other parent about it, good for you, but make a mental note to call later.  Believe me, without distractions, your time with your child will probably result in learning more about him or her than you will ever learn with the constant interruptions.  After all, this may be your parenting time, but for your child it is time to spend with a parent, and maybe the child has something on her or his mind that needs to be communcated without interruption.  So, keep talking to the other parent, but do so when it is not trampling on your special parent-child time.

Talking to the other parent

A friend of mine did a very thoughtful blog, in which he suggested that we have parents refer to one another as the co-parent rather than the ex.  Nate Riggs had some very good insight into this issue: http://nateriggs.com/2011/01/23/the-thing-about-ex/  Nate is a very smart guy and has some excellent insight into the situation.  Also, I recommend you follow him if you are interested in learning about marketing and social media.

So I have really been thinking about this idea lately as I try to help clients navigate the difficult waters of custody and visitation.  So today, when I was grabbing lunch at my favorite Subway, I was nearly brought to tears as the man sitting at the table across from me got into a very hostile confrontation over the phone with what is to apparently be his ex-wife.  I felt bad for him, because I think he originally called just to confirm or change a pick up time for the kids, and he was probably not expecting this battle.  But the whole thing escalated to the point that they seemed to be arguing over when to have the exchange for the children - 7:30 or 8:00.  I couldn't believe it!  He was saying, "I will do this," and "You will do that."  I was afraid he was going to his something, as his face turned redder and redder.  Obviously, communication was not going well.  If I had known him, I would have tried to take his hand and give him a reassuring look to help him calm down.  But then, as if he was suddenly aware that people could hear this going on, he stormed out of the place, but only to step out onto the sidewalk.  We could still hear him, but could not make out the words.  Then I thought, how can we change this system?  And I realized we can only do it one step at a time.  So I decided to pack out and head out to talk to him.  I did not have very far to go, and he had just wrapped up the call.  So I said to him, "I understand if you want to tell me to shut up, but I couldn't help from overhearing and I just wanted to share something with you."  He was more than willing to listen.  I told him about Nate's post, about co-parenting, and about saying things like "Can we exchange the kids?"  instead of "I" will do this and "you" will do that.  I told him that I was sure that they knew how to push each others buttons, which used to be a good thing, but now is a terrible thing.  We chatted a bit about the situation.

After we parted, I felt hopeful that those kids might have a chance at having both of their parents parent them.  The man seemed very sincere and earnest and really willing to try to make it work, but he was very frustrated because he could not get himself out of the pattern of the relationship he had with his wife, which was obviously not good.  I still want to cry about this, but I am feeling hopeful.

What do you think?  What do you think we need to do to change the system?  How can we make this work and really start co-parenting practices in the best interests of the children?  Let's get a dialogue going, shall we?